The Unthinkable

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2009 by andjustin4all

(Find this and other great writers at memoirbloggers.wordpress.com)

I would be fired the next day, but the night before I went out with Gino. I never really had any super Italian friends growing up. One of the more overlooked differences between Boston and New York is their flavor of Catholic. In my phone I had him listed as Ginoooooooo. Gino was an actor with a manic vibe and I’m not sure if we ever had a real conversation, but he was funny.

It was my first Halloween weekend and the real happening in NY is right after the parade in the Village. I followed my still co-workers down into Alphabet City, to a charming little dump called Doc Holladay’s named after my second favorite Val Kilmer role. It was the kind of bar where you spend hours behind a cheap beer excavating 70’s graffiti through the layers of wall grime with your fingernail. There was a thrill of possibly digging up a place where the Ramones had once pissed on a unsuspecting fan.

The costume contest had begun a touch before we arrived and sans costumes we could just sit back with a tub of Pabst and take in the seedy faire. It seemed like an easy formula. Round by round, the intoxicated contestants would stand on the bar so that the intoxicated crowd could cheer on the woman with the least amount of clothes. The frontrunner was a girl who had apparently tailor-made her outfit for just such a contest. She wore a cardboard box extending neck to knees, painted in black and bedazzled. On the front, she had cut herself some swinging door and wrote, in what I assumed was red lipstick, the words, PEEP SHOW 25¢. And just as promised when some forth coming patron would chuck a quarter up at her, she opened the doors revealin just the skin she was in.

It was going to be a landslide.

Her only competition was a girl in what could only be described in the Village as a delicious catsuit, showing off every curve and fold her body provided. Even the whiskers seemed like a detail I would be embarrassed to buy.
The conversation was again not premium but I enjoyed new friendships. Trying to pick out the ones I could hang out with in the future over those who I would just merely be friendly with at work. I really felt like I was settling to New York. Two months in and I was beginning to make friends and I had found a restaurant I could see myself at until I didn’t have to. It was Goodfellas kinda joint and the owner, a scion of another more established Italian icon, loved to keep me late drinking with him at the bar until his wife called. He loved me. He wanted to make t shirts with me out of these ironic lil drawing that I had made and once sold as postcards in Union Square for a buck a piece. He had plans for me. I felt like it was going to work out.

Around my 5th or 6th PBR, the semi finalists were announced and the Peep Girl, drunk with tangible confidence ascended the bar for what would merely be a victory lap. Her opponent, the cat, stood waiting and hissing and prowling the crowd intending to go down fighting. When Miss Peeps finally got her footing and the first quarter was cast, the unthinkable happened. She slipped. Fell straight off the bar into the bartender, the ice bin, a rail of cheap liqour and hopefully a latticed rubber and impossible unclean floor mat below. The crowd let out an audible gasp followed quickly by laughter and then cheer for the cat girl, left standing, who took the opportunity and egged the crowd to show her love for her balance and dexterity. Twenty minutes later, she would crowned with what ever one wins in a bar choking with cigarette smoke and tables piled with Spartan beer cans shrines.

I would call in to find out my schedule the next day, only to discover I had none. My eyes teared with shock.

Guess who’s bored….. World Leader/ WWF series continues!!!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on October 28, 2009 by andjustin4all
mahmoud "iron sheik" ahmadinejad!!!!

He will fuck the Killer Bees and Obama in the ass!

Douglife Goes To Jersey! Episode 7: Make that shit happen people!

Posted in douglife with tags , , on October 27, 2009 by andjustin4all

Douglife Episode 7 is now online. The DL would like to welcome Miss Vassi and Duncan Wilder Johnson to starring roles as well as Jason Tierney, Mark Wood and the return of Miss Megan Sperry to its most metal episode yet. Douglife.tv

episode7poster

Duncan is Gerald Tenuta

Also bad news: I’ve decided to go ahead without word from Kurt Russell, but if anyone knows Dennis Quaid’s phone number. I’d gladly take it. (INNERSPACE IS DA BOMB!)
Also I’m trying to get Douglife up to 1000 fans on Facebook as a Christmas present to myself. Which is crazy cause I only have 149 so far. LETS BE FRIENDS. So, if you are already one of my 149 fans then thanks a bunch kids and go to the suggest a friend section as illustrated here:
suggest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and then click as many as you can and SEND INVITATIONS. I would do it for you but I don’t know your first cat’s name, first street or favorite Menudo member and therefore I have little chance to guess your password. PLEEEEEEEEEEASE! 1000 by xmas we can do it!

love,
Justin
Douglife.tv

What if leaders of countries were pro wrestlers?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on October 20, 2009 by andjustin4all

And I had alot of time on my hands…..vladimir volkoff

Wed Night Movies: A Serious Man and why I didn’t see The Invention of Lying

Posted in Review with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2009 by andjustin4all

This week it once again came down to 2 choices: Ricky Gervais’s Invention of Lying or the new Coen Bros. A Serious Man (cause Big Fan is apparently out of theaters already, the guy doesn’t bring Mickey Rourke outta rehab and can only get two week run at the Angelika, bitch please). I had reservations about both. Invention of Lying, as my wife but it, just had too many funny people in it. A Serious Man I want to see based solely on brand recognition, that my friend Chris knew “the wife,” and a very innovative, rhymic trailer, which told me nothing about the movie except that it was very Jewish themed and starred a guy who looked a lot like the “Can you hear me now?” Verizon guy.  I can’t remember the last time a great trailer guarenteed a great movie. (I’m talkin’ to you Watchmen.)

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I thought about asking my improv teacher, who was the naked guy in Ghost Town, but decided against even acknowledging that I knew that fact. It would like knowing Paris Hilton from her sextape. After my improv class, I brought the query to one of my fellow classmates.

“Oh its terrible. Yeah there’s way too many funny people with cameos in it. And none of them do anything funny.”

So the lesson here is Hollywood, never bring lots of funny people in to do background roles. Movies, like it or not, are half expectation. If Tina Fey’s gonna play a secretary with 3 lines in your comedy she’d better be fucking funny. You can’t just have Steve Martin come in and press a button on the elevator and then walk out. (Oh wait, he’s been doing those roles for years now.) You can, however, do funny people in bit roles it to great effect in dramas (see the Informant, i.e. Joel McHale, the Smothers Brothers, etc.)

The fall back meant literally dragging my wife (just “going out to dinner” was seriously considered and probably cheaper) out to the middle of nowhere (Lower East Side) to the lovely yet remote Landmark theater and for the second time in two months, we were delayed over half an hour because of technical difficulties. By the time the previews started my wife had a look a disgruntled Dad had that’s missing a playoff game for his kids play: THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD.

And it was. First of all, you know a movie’s gonna have a Jewish theme when the first 10 minutes are in yiddish, set in 1890’s Russia and dresses Fyvush Finckel up as a Hassidic could be zombie. Actually I could have just said Fyvush Finckel and made the same point.fyvushfinkel

Second, is there anyone who doesn’t immediately smile when Richard Kind appears on screen? That man’s head must be 75% smile. I think Mad About You and Spin City were extended at least 2 and half seasons just cause the network execs got a cute fuzzy feeling from having him around.

OK like 70% smileAs for the movie, A Serious Man like many Coen Brothers movies, is beautifully shot, detailed world of amazing characters. They nail the local color of the late 60’s Jewish (probably Minnesota) surburbia inhabited by physics teacher Larry Gopnick, the Micheal Corelone of reactive protagonists. He literally says, I’ve done nothing, and has it thrown back in his face as a sin by his wife (who shacks up with a Palm Springs Francis Ford Coppola in polyester), his kids, his brother, the tenure commitie (have you published anything?), his rabbis, and even a Korean student he fails who in turn tries to bribe him for a passing grade. For Larry Gopnick, just going through life trying to do the right thing is not nearly enough.  The only thing he does do is sneak a look at his naked sunbathing neighbor.

A Serious Man is a great piece of comic existential film making where even God can’t help with the answers or tie up ends. It’s worth the movie just for the son’s bar mitzvah scene.  The only thing I regret is telling the cab driver on the way home that I wanted to go to Williamsburg instead of Greenpoint, since they no idea Brooklyn exists past Bedford Ave.

Too cute to be on TV: BUNNIES!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 9, 2009 by andjustin4all

The commercial that made my wife cry.

Memoirs Are So Yesterday: Itinerary for a 17 year old in Liverpool.

Posted in Essay with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2009 by andjustin4all

This from the new blog I’m a part of called Memoirs Are So Yesterday, started by my old pal Jen Wittes. Lots of spectacular writing about how much better our nostalgia is then yours and oh yes, me! This my first memoir attempt.

10:15 am Get up.

10:16 am Be the last one up.

10:17am Marvel in your host’s super human abilities to function on 5 hours of sleep, since in high school, you would routinely sleep for 11-13 hours on a non sports related weekend. Note that this will be good training for college.

10:30 am Eat breakfast. Eat lots of meat. Don’t mind you missed the eggs, you’ve hated eggs since you were a baby and sausage and bacon will do just fine.

10:36am Have your Brother, who you share a inflatable mattress with, tell you that you speak Spanish in your sleep. Fluently. Which is amazing considering you floated through six years of the subject and thinking you had a B+, just two and half months ago, you didn’t have to take the final, but you actually had a B and then you failed the final and tossed your final report card in the sewer after graduation.

10:40 am Smile that your Mother never saw that report. Realising as you write this, that your Brother is a Spanish teacher and Mom is the secretary to the Principal at said high school and can just look up your grades from 15 years ago any time she wants. Know she must know by now.

11:00 am Read the tabloid. Try not to stare at naked woman on Page three everyday, even though you are still 3 weeks shy of legally buying porn in your own country. Your Mom isn’t there, but Fran is. And her family. And she’s the closest thing anyone could have to a second Mom. Consider her one of the 3 people at your wedding that were related to you.

11:30 am Watch cricket. Not just club cricket either. Test cricket. Wonder why any sport should take four days. Still be awed by Brian Lara. Take a picture with him at Madame Tousseau’s. Him and Telly Savalas with your tongue in his ear.

12 pm Go to the Pub.

12:30 pm Get your first buzz. Drink beer that’s as harsh as possible. Feel like a man. Fuck Budweiser or the silver bullet, you’re drinking bitter. Tetley’s Bitter. Drink Bud Ice in college.

12:48pm Steal bar towels and coasters. Do this for the remainder of your trip. Have future self ridicule 17 year old self for thinking stealing promotional garbage was such a score.

12:35 pm Hear “I’ve Never Known a Girl Like You Before” by Edwin Collins in the pub. Learn that boy bands like Take That are currently taking over Britain about 3 years before boy bands would take over the states.

1:30 pm Go to the betting shop.

1:40 pm Make your first bet. Not including winning the WrestleMania 4 pool in forth grade (you had Randy Savage AND Hulk Hogan) or the continuously losing every Super Bowl Sunday School bet with Chris Richardson through the late 80’s. Bet on Jean Alessi and his Ferrari. Bet on Davis Love III and his Titleist.

1:45 pm Do not bet on Michael Shumacher. Boring. Do not bet on John Daly even though you think it would be funny at the time only to see a few days later that he actually DOES win the British Open and makes a fool of you. Become a better sports better. Only take suckers bets. Pray on people’s hometown pride.

2:00 pm Go back to pub.

2:15 pm Watch the sport that’s been bet on.

3:30 pm Return to betting shop. Collect winnings. In a group, that includes upwards of 7 to 8 people every day someone is bound to win a bet and that person will….

3:45 pm Go back to pub spend winner’s winnings. Everyone wins.

4:00 pm Teach John Ryder the word, “Dork.” Watch Fran’s brother in law revel in the word “Doarrrrrrk” the rest of the trip which he has taken off from his job at the Ford plant just to haul the group of us around the English countryside to London, to Llangllen, to Mersyside, to Blackpool.

4:30pm Go home for tea.

4:55pm Fall in love with chip shops. Love Curry. Not red curry or thai curry but thick, viscus, nuclear yellow Indian curry. That comes over chips and chicken and whatever you want. Eat it everyday you can. Search for that curry for a decade. Find it on some show on the Food Network that your Mom watched “just over the Brooklyn Bridge.” Love it all over again.

5:05pm That and meat pasties.

6:00 pm Out with Nicolai and sometimes Jamie. Drive fast. Drive down two way streets meant for one car. Ignore Strawberry Fields and that club the Beatles played in first.

6:10 pm Listen to “I’ve Never Known A Girl Like You Before” in the car.

6:30 pm Play cricket. At least the wiffleball equivolent. In the back of a school yard whose fence you have to scale. Get good. Get better. Win on the last day you’re in England. Get a cricket bat for Christmas in your mid 20’s. Consider that the best present your wife ever got you.

7:00 pm Go back to the pub. Dress up a bit. Get advice from Stephanie. Feel like you look good. Burn all evidence in the future. You looked like an asshole.

7:30 pm Drink with the fam. Drink with your brother. He’s only 14. Never get carded.

8:30 pm Sing songs. Sing with the fam. Sing in the pub. Sing with people you’ve never met and will almost never see again. Sing Lean On Me like you were Bill Withers. Realize who that is in 7 years. Admire this moment.

9:00 pm Go out with “the kids.” None of whom are younger then you.

10:00 pm Get drunk for the first time.

11:00 pm Then really drunk. You’ve rarely paid for a round the whole trip. Buy a round. And another.

1:00 am Become a wallflower. Hear “I’ve Never Known A Girl Like You Before.” And never know any of the girls partying in front of you. Drunk girls with accents. Have future you slap 17 year old you in the mouth.

3:55 am Black out for the first time.

4:00 am There was a cab. Those fancy black ones.

4:15 am And more chips and curry.

5:00 am Land in bed.

5:30 am Speak Spanish fluently.

Episode Six has arrived. Long live Episode 6

Posted in douglife with tags , , , , on September 3, 2009 by andjustin4all

Episode SIX

Doug tries to get a real job.

episodesix

douglife.tv

Wallpapering: Paper Airplanes

Posted in wallpaper with tags , , on September 1, 2009 by andjustin4all

This is my new design and im working on a redo of my squid design.plane3.3redyelbrw

Wallpapering: It glows.

Posted in wallpaper with tags , , , on August 27, 2009 by andjustin4all

We may never need lights again.

LED wallpaper 430 pix
Thanks artist named Jonas.