United States Park Service Tierney Family House Tour 2039

(Ed. Note:  This was originally written for an acquaintance of mine who was putting together a book about Home, but I don’t think she realized that I barely take my writing seriously. So this will be the only publishing I think this work will see.)

Please gather around ladies and gentlemen.

First, welcome. I really hope you enjoyed your tour of Middleton, Massachusetts on our vintage 1980’s yellow school bus driven by Alice Tierney. But really that’s Belinda Cotter playing Mrs. Tierney circa 1987. Just amazing. Take a bow Belinda. A round of applause for her marvelous acting. Mrs. Alice Tierney was an actual bus driver, cafeteria employee and principal’s secretary back when children still received their elementary education in “schools.”

Belinda, I’m sorry, Mrs. Tierney will be happy to fill in any gaps about the President’s childhood that I have missed on your way back to the Popeye’s Chicken minibike depot and gift shop.

I am Park Ranger Al and welcome to 7 Riverview Drive, the childhood home of our 47th President Justin Robert Tierney.

What you see above us, at the top of this gravel driveway is the culmination of three long years of research and restoration. The President’s childhood home was donated to National Park Service after his death in the arms of the Sri Lankan Lady’s Volleyball team on what we here at the Park refer to as a “State Visit.” The home is a palace of late 1970’s modest ranch style architecture. It was built on this plot in 1979 for the purchase price of $40,000. So you can see how times have changed, the wood alone used to restore the house cost us forty million dollars. Amazing.

As you walk up the driveway, you will notice that it is completely gravel. In the single parent house of the President, as were many in the 1980’s, the sound of gravel against tire became the latchkey to signal to the Tierney brothers that their loving mother was home.

To your left you will see the only remaining tree on what was once a densely wooded area. It is a red maple given to the President’s Mother by her boys for Mother’s Day 1986. Legend has it that the President himself picked out the tree from a local nursery and dug the hole furiously with his BARE HANDS. He buried a lock of his own hair to help the tree grow. Amazing.

No sir. I do believe this is the actual tree.

Yes, it is quite amazing it has survived the paper shortage of the 2020’s but that’s what this place is all about. Amazing. Now please follow me and save your questions until the end.

On your right, you will see a wooden well that marks the spot where the Tierney family once drew water from an underground aquifer. This area has been barren of water for quite some time, but the infrastructure still exists. And it too as been co-opted by the President’s plan for drawing moisture from the ground and air.

The well, of course, resulted in the President having a severe lack of fluoride in his early dental development and caused several cavities and root canals. His signature winning smiling was manufactured just before running for Senator of New York when he had all his teeth capped and fused so they never requiring further brushing. Amazing.

In the driveway, is a 1985 Buick Park Avenue, the Presidents first car. Notice the Christmas wreath tied to the front that was a tradition of Momma Tierney who decorated almost everything in the Tierney household with wreaths. The bench seats of a car very much like this were said by some of the more scandalous biographies to be the site of his first female conquests.

This is the front door of Casa de Tierney. Which is what we have to legally have to call it, since the President signed it into law that Spanish and English would be the official languages of the United States of North America. This front door was rarely used except for holidays and formal occasions. It is said that the President as a small child threw his drunken Uncle Bruce out from these very steps because he thought he was Cuban. Even then the President was protecting our land.

On your right, in the garden, you will see the Parade of Pets. This is particular pride of our research team. There is an animatronic replica of every one of the 13 cats, dogs, birds and lizards owned by the Tierney household in chronological order from Coffee Break to Oreo. Feel free to pet them and talk to them about their origins. You will learn things like D.J. and Sheba were sent away “to a farm” because they bit a neighbor in the ass. That farm was widely suspected by the President to be Euthanasia. Amazing.

As we squeeze into the living room, here the President and his brother would spend up to and eight hours a day watching television. As you can see, people in the late 20th Century barely watched TV.

I would like to point out, along with the wreath on the car; it is always Christmas here in the restored Tierney household. The President and his family simply loved Christmas, even if he was the first devote Atheist to be elected President. Forty percent of the furnishings were donated by the estate of Alice Tierney, the President’s saintly 120 year old Mother. The decorations you see here are 100% real including the torn plastic bags you see on the ground. These bags, depicting 20th century icons Raggedy Ann and Andy and were used by the President’s Mother as the sacks they received their presents from Santa all the way into the President’s forties.

The President and his brother Wind Tycoon and philanthropist Jason Ryan Tierney were very often left to their own devices. In this very hallway, they developed their imagination, creativity and athletic prowess with games such as sock hockey, sock baseball and sock basketball using a this very laundry basket that was shaped as a basketball hoop hung on the bedroom door. When they could not find socks, they often used t-shirts. There are currently twelve sock hockey leagues around the world and talk of becoming an Olympic sport. And it all started right here. Amazing.

Now I must warn you. This is a very narrow hallway and you may brush against some of the décor. Like many of the things in this house, they are vintage and made up mostly oil based plastics. This eighteen by twenty four inch trinket display proudly shows off many of what the Tierney boys found in cereal boxes. At the time, cereals would entice themselves off the shelves with promises of sugar and toys within. They are not all original sadly because several, especially the Smurf dolls, were commandeered by their Maternal Grandmother, who shall not be named, as good luck charms for her severe gambling addiction. But the joke was on her as we all now know oil based plastic is the major cause of almost 95 percent of all cancer. Many of which we used to think were caused by things like smoking. Ha.

We segue nicely into this side room. Welcome to the computer room sponsored by Camel Lights. Feel free to light up and go back to a time when computers were not voice and mind controlled. The President pounded out many of his early great works here on this computer. It is where he explored the internet for the first time and printed out pages upon pages of essays on this noisy cumbersome dot matrix printer. Although becoming obsolete by around 1992, the President’s Mother used it well past the turn of the century.

By now you have noticed that rugs are all different color. This room has green rug while the living room and hallway have an orange rug and you will see there is a blue rug in Jason Tierney’s room and a brown rug in his Mother’s room. Of course as boys, the Brothers Tierney frequently pretended this orange rug was lava. This green rug was man-eating jungle and the blue rug Razberry Slushy of Doom

No sir I do not know of any seismological events in this area. And I realize the instability of the Earth’s crust in this day and age is no joke.

No, I do not question the President mental health. Please save your questions for the end or for the bus driver. Thank you.

As you can see Jason Tierney’s room has been fitted with a TV, several hundred “Micro Machines” from his own estate and a “Nintendo.” This was a 20th century video gaming system used before full emersion simulacrum media. The boys spent hours playing football and baseball “video games” like Techmo Bowl and RBI Baseball. The “CD” player you see above the TV was known to play almost exclusively the complete collection of a late 70’s rock band Led Zeppelin. Jason Tierney went on to name his first Wind farm The Robert Plant. His second was named for his first musical love Boys 2 Men. Of which, there is no longer any record of Boyz II Men in the national archives. Pity but also amazing.

Here in the back of his Mother’s room you will notice the washing machine. Now yes, it is a real working washing machine from the turn of the century before clothes were cleaned by focused Solar bleaching. And you will notice there is no dryer. That is because it was moved downstairs for some unknown illogical reason. The five year old President would use every bit of his tiny strength to lug up to fifty pounds of wet clothes down to the basement. This helped him build his strong athletic frame and character of mind. It is said in his autobiography, “Takin’ It Back, Takin’ It All Back” that the President was astounded when in later life when he discovered that washers and dryers were normally found in the same room or even on top of one another. That book is available for mental dissemination at the Popeye’s Chicken minibike depot and gift shop.

You will pass the bathroom on your left. It was the sole bathroom in the Tierney household and many of the President’s earliest memories are of his Mother beckoning him from this very toilet seat. Feel free when the tour has ended to join the hundreds of thousands who have all made the pilgrimage to put their bare ass on this hallowed throne.

In the kitchen, you will notice the terrible floral wall paper, which was very popular in its day, I’m sure. You will also notice the sliding glass door over looking the porch and wiffleball field. This canary yellow contraption is a “gas” stove. The President, who has since written twelve cookbooks, learned the craft of fine cuisine during his twenty years as a waiter. The Cafeteria at the gift shop features some of the family recipes like Lemon Pepper Tuna salad, Hamburger Mac and Cheese and of course Peanut Butter and Bacon, which I’ve heard from a very good source, can actually be attributed to the President’s Father.

As we descend the stair case into the basement, please notice the actual graffiti uncovered on the walls by our restoration team. In a young boys handwriting, you will see the sentence, “I’m R2D2 and don’t say I’m not.” This had been attributed to the President’s brother and is the origin of his nickname R2 that comes up frequently in his own autobiography, “Life in the Shadow of Greatness: A Little Brother’s Courage.”

In the cellar, you will see two distinct sections. One filled with antique yard tools, abandoned exercise equipment, a ping pong table and a wood working shop built by Mrs. Tierney’s only live in boyfriend Harry Taylor, who packed up this very workshop and left the family while they were enjoying a trip to Disneyworld. He would ironically die while choking on a popsicle stick left over from a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar.

Now you won’t this hear from the other Rangers, but the President enjoyed making wooden people from Mr. Taylor’s scraps on the jigsaw. He then proceeded to cut off their heads and appendages while making screaming noises. Makes you wonder about the war with Portugal doesn’t it? But you didn’t hear it from me.

On the other side is the crown jewel of the tour: the President’s two room basement residence. Originally built by his Uncle John, in the late 80’s, when he lived briefly with the family, the President moved into this room after his Uncle’s departure. We have replaced most of what was particle board wall with glass so that you can peer into the world where the President developed into a man. From his artistic abilities shown in the drawings and painting on the walls, to his ingenuity revealed by the shoestring he tied from the entrance to the light bulb cord so he wouldn’t have to fumble around in the dark to light his way. This couch is said to be the very couch where he possibly lost his virginity, although it cannot be confirmed by any historical record or writing. The book shelf is a personal library filled with books from his childhood. His favorite was about a badger that throws mud in his sister’s eye.

No sir, there’s no insight or joke here. It’s just fact.

Now as we past the dryer, we have come to the bulkhead, a large steel door that was a traditional entrance to the back yard but signals the end of our tour. Feel free to walk the grounds, taunt the locals in this now depressed area, and to play wiffle ball with our horse based plastic bats and balls. Completely cancer free and only seventy three Ameros at the gift shop. My name is Park Ranger Al and you have all been amazing.

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