The case against the TBSation of movies.

“Showgirls” is on Spike all the time. And it is a God damn shame.

My wife had never seen Showgirls and I told her it was worth the solid oak acting, transparent plot line and infomercial dialogue for one of the greatest unintentional comedy moments in cinema history. And then it didn’t happen.

Why would Spike even put down the requisite fifty bucks and pack of Camels for the rights of this camp classic if they weren’t going to even elude to this pivotal scene. It’s like missing Fredo’s kiss of death or not hearing Faye Dunaway tell Jack that its her sister, her daughter, her sister…

Obviously an NC-17 movie is gonna lose a lil something in the translation to TV and don’t get me wrong, the CGI leopard print over Elizabeth Berkeley’s bosums is mildly hilarious. But overall it’s a slap in the face to Paul Verhoeven’s entire career which has been built on the Dutchmen’s impish glee in shocking Americans.

So to all you Spike and TBS and any other Superstation execs out there that are currently combing the Verhoeven oeuvre, the following scenes should be left in or spend the money on something from the mid 90’s starring a Friends castmember.

Robocop: You shouldn’t cut out Murphy being literally shot to pieces, but the real PVH scene is when Emil (played by that asshole Doc from one of the last seasons of ER that I can remember) gets dumped in the vat of toxic waste and then comes out looking like candle man. If you have to cut that for time ok so long as we can see the part where his cronie pal plows over him in the car and he splatters on the windshield like a slaughterhouse trashbag.

Total Recall: I know this a big deal, but Total Recall is not Total Recall without the 3 titted prostitute. Two ways to get around it: A) Make the argument, “They’re not real.” B) Computer pasties.

Basic Instinct: There’s no chance to see Sharon’s beav so just let this one go. Newman’s reaction shot is just not enough. There’s no out here.

Starship Troopers: Also on TV quite a bit and it really looses some luster when there’s no coed locker rooms. There’s a lot of important exposition in that scene.

Showgirls: Find a way, some way, any way to pan and scan, crop, digi suit the sex in the pool scene. It is the funniest sex scene in movie history. It’s the sex scene Team America was hoping to be. Ask anyone. Showgirls is just a dirty movie without it. With it, it becomes worth a 10th anniversary boxset and something the whole family can enjoy.

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