An Open Letter to the future waitstaff of Tina Fey

                                         tina_fey Congratulations Tina Fey. You have a smart and successful TV show. Your Sarah Palin impression is part of the popcultural lexicon. You recently pushed back Megan Fox and Amy Sedaris as my top celebrity crush.<!–[if !supportFootnotes]–>[1]<!–[endif]–> And now, you have the cover of all covers: Vanity Fair. I don’t get Vanity Fair, but I’m sure your article is engaging, insightful <!–[if !supportFootnotes]–>[2]<!–[endif]–>and makes me want to kill my lazy ass with a medium size rock. With the new found glamour that comes with being one of Annie Lebiowitz’s cover concubines, I’m sure Ms. Fey will be, as they say, “dining out on this” for quite some time. So to prepare you prospective waiters and waitras, take some advice from someone who has been her to her twice.

First, don’t worry. Yes that is her. She is known not to wear her trademark glasses in public and is even more beautiful in person, which may shock you.

She’s Greek. Steer her towards the lamb chops and anything in a grape leaf.

Don’t try and be funny. She’s never hired a waiter for any of her writing staffs. Just stop it.

She only drinks red wine with her left hand so as not to draw attention to the fact that she also only has 3 fingers on her right hand. Don’t stare.

She may bring Fred Arisman. He is not funny at all in person unless you make him do something ethnic.

Her husband Jeff is sweet and much shorter then you may expect. He likes chocolate cakes with birthday candles and totally doesn’t deserve her.

Enough with the ha-has Sinbad. You are really starting to piss Ms. Fey off.

Address her as Christina or Mrs. Anthony Hopkins.

Don’t ask about her divorce from Anthony Hopkins.

Go apologize and explain that there will be a different waiter for the rest of the evening after you’ve rinsed your mouth with industrial floor cleaner you succubus.

She doesn’t like to sit in the eye line of anyone who was a Captain on Star Trek or any of its spinoffs except for Kate Mulgrew, who she has listed on her MySpace profile under hero.

After dessert present a hot towel and a glass of lemon ginger tea with honey. Hand the check to the person whose name you do not know and be prepared to get tipped in carpet samples. Which is OK, it’s not only ironic but make a fantastic wall covering.

She likes sparkling water.

I hope this has been informative for you future Tina Fey waiters. Just remember she’s coming Goddamn it and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. If you are unprepared she will field dress your nutsack. (Or lady sack for girls.)

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<!–[if !supportFootnotes]–>[1]<!–[endif]–>Let’s face it, how much of a catch could Megan Fox be if she’s dating Brian Austin Green. And dating Amy Sedaris must be like a constant long form improv. Just think sex in fat suits

<!–[if !supportFootnotes]–>[2]<!–[endif]–> I already knew the whole scar thing as anyone who is friends with a friend whose ex roommate used to date Tina Fey’s ex high school boyfriend’s brother would know.

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