JUSTIN’S END OF THE YEAR BASIC CABLE REVIEW

For those of you who don’t know, I don’t have cable. As much as I love TV, I’m not home enough to justify spending triple digits on the tele while fielding turn off notices from Con-ED. That doesn’t mean I don’t watch TV, I can usually get by with my current 10 channel TV spectrum, Netflix (for all the HBO and Showtime series) and the internet (Best Week Ever and 30 Rock). And still stay up to date.

But I really don’t start catching up until my semi-annual trip to my in-laws.  Luckily for me, I go to my in-laws during two of the best times to watch basic cable: Christmas and 4th of July. The channels I’m missing in my life: Discovery, VH1, Bravo etc. run marathon after marathon of all their best programming. So when I return from the frozen North, I’m able to riff on the basic cable-o-sphere as well as anyone on Joel McHale’s writing staff.
So here it is my collection of random thoughts (mind you that I’m definitely behind on a lot of things) brought to you by cramming an entire six months worth of TV watching into four days.

Best Joan Rivers impression: Kathy Griffin. She looks like she’s going to eat Anderson Cooper on New Year’s Eve. Note: Usually plastic surgery is supposed to make you look younger.

New TLC: Bravo (in terms that my wife keeps talking about getting cable just for said channel.)

Best Use of Toymakers: I thought it was a joke when I saw that TLC scheduled a marathon of the World’s Worst Show (Look their just like real people!) Little People Big World on Christmas day? Maybe I can get Matt Roloff to do a lollipop guild shimmy as well.

Best filling out of The Holy Triumvirate since Jesus:  NatGeo has really completed the world of infotainment with the Discovery and History Channels. It made me wish channel changers had a triangulation button.

Wishing for Nazis: That being said the History Channel, which used to be 95% World War 2, is now showing reality shows about guys who cut down Christmas trees. When I think of history, I figure the event has to occur before Labor Day.

Lava Lamp TV: Discovery’s Time Warp is the brainiest mindless entertainment ever shot. It may also double as the greatest television to watch while tripping. I wish I could have been in on that pitch meeting.

Producer: OK! We’re gonna blow stuff up.

Discovery: We already have like 3 of those shows.

Producer: But we’re gonna do it in super slow motion.

Discovery: Well why didn’t you say that in the first place.

Proving me wrong: The Mythbuster guys polished a turd.

How does this count as a Christmas special: The Jackson 5 story on VH1

The Morgan Freeman of TV: Peter Coyote. You’d think he could still pull up imdb and say, “I was in E.T. damnit!”

Done doing live TV: Patrick Warterburton

Generation Gap:  Am I the only one who finds the Hills boring? And there’s a spin-off. And isn’t this a spin-off?

Hours of Law & Order watched: 3. A new low for me for any four day period with at least TNT.

Why I’m Glad I’m not in my 20’s: Last year, I fell in love with My Sweet Sixteen (but I no longer want to have girls over 15). This year I watched about 5 episodes of the Real World: Hollywood and I deem it the greatest car crash television maybe ever made. When you get kicked out of the house because you’re too much of a fuck up to go to Improv classes that is just a new level of fucked.

Reality Blue balls: X-Effect. That show is the perfect cauldron for shit to go down and yet it never does. Every current boyfriend always says he’s gonna hit the ex. Every current girlfriend always cries and takes him back. And worst of all no ex sex.

Welcome back to stardom: Nice to see Rock and Roll Girl from American Idol 1 landed a new gig. Too bad it requires mandatory Dr. Drew counseling. Which makes me think: Who is Dr. Drew’s agent? That man must work in the same building as Joe Rogan’s because while Dr. Oz has the Queen of all Media Oprah, Dr. Drew had Adam Corolla and yet he is the most respected TV doc since Quincy.

Why would you admit to creating, starring and/or competing in the show Bromance?

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd my New favorite show on all of television is…………… Parking Wars. This show should be on TNT because who knows drama like the men and women who put the boot on a car. Or the people who hold your car at the impound lot. Or Traffic cops.  Are these people not the ultimate in municipal bad guys?  Parking Wars makes you empathize for them like they are real people.  Which is the equivalent of finding out StormTroopers are just like real people. It’s also the show where I heard the term, Hotter then Fish Grease. That’s my next Facebook status.

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