A Man’s Guide to Avoiding Exploitation By Marley and Me and see it for the Dog Killing Movie it is. (Yes the dog dies, sorry to ruin it for you.)

Owen and Jen kill this dog. With their bare hands.

Owen and Jen kill this dog. With their bare hands.

Preparation:

Dog Killing movies like Marley and Me should be watched sober.  If one must drink in order to enjoy such weak fare, avoid wine as it brings out the emotionals in people.

Also clear your viewing area of any beloved pets and any photos, drawings, embroidery and/or mall made t-shirts depicting them.

Do not watch alone by any means but, women and gay men are not allowed.  Instead, enlist men that you don’t feel comfortable sharing anything more then boxscores with (bowling team members or guys from the bar).

While watching:

During the first hour or so, openly mock the movie in all its plotless , character vacant lameness.  Occasionally, Owen Wilson is amusing.  Do not laugh.  Instead comment on his obvious lack of artistic integrity since he and Wes Anderson stopped writing movies together.  Discuss that topic for five to ten minutes while Owen and Jen get to know their new puppy.

While Marley is a puppy, do not fall for its cute tricks.  Instead become frustrated and angry with his behavior.  Say things at the TV like, “You STUPID DOG!” “BAD DOG!” and “I WISH YOU WERE DEAD DEMON HELL BEAST FROM HADES.”

If that is not enough, think of Marley as a series of robot dogs and yell, “You crappy bag of bolts.”

Then change Marley’s name in your head to, “I Fucked Your Sister.”  Get angry at the dog for fucking your sister.

Pretend your very male friend’s fart is actually I Fucked Your Sister’s fart and then search for where he shit in your home.  Scold I Fucked Your Sister continuously until he dies.

This should prepare you well for the final act of the movie which is all about I Fucked Your Sister’s death.

First imagine I Fucked Your Sister dying in the worst way possible: under farm equipment, on fire, eaten alive by a flesh eating staph infection, thrown upwards into helicopter blades.

Imagine Owen Wilson’s death as well in similar terms. Then imagine getting it on with Jennifer Aniston while Alan Arkin watches.

As the dog euthanasia scene begins, commence your letter of complaint to the production company.  Site that gratuitous dog death may be a threat to National Security.

Photocopy letter and mail said copy to Homeland Security claiming the producer was funded by Hamas.

Closer to death.

Closer to death.

In case of crying:

Immediately go to the nearest computer and type ESPN.com.  Proceed to watch any available sports highlights or make a fantasy team trade proposal.  When you have collected yourself return and tell your friends what highlight/trade you have just been privy to.

No computer?  Break out emergency ski mask and sunglasses and begin cutting onion you will claim you are prepping for manly tacos afterwards.  (If it’s spring, allergy season can account for all symptoms.  Leave your Alavert, Benodryl, and Clarotin in unmarked containers and say that you have built up a tolerance.)

If nothing works and you succumb to the children reading poems about their dead dog, which is highly likely, take a gun or knife and threaten your companions to not watch you cry or promise to “cut their faggot hearts out.”  Then take your beating like a man.

All and all by the credits you should be able to hold your head high, knowing you have not laid down your masculinity.  Take the DVD of “I Fucked Your Sister and Me” crush it with sports equipment and jump on it with some sort of cleat. (preferably metal)

Congrats you are a man again.

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