PFZ: Pants Free Zone

(This article was published in the most recent issue of MI:BK available at Brooklyn’s finest drinkin’ holes)

Thank you and welcome to the Society for A Pants Free Environment.  The idea of the pants free zone (PFZ as its known in the community) is as American as Thomas Jefferson.  Democratic in nature and free from tyranny physically, but mentally and socially.  Now that you’ve made such a distinguishing lifestyle choice it is important to get things off in the right direction. To establish one’s own PFZ, one should follow the three D’s: defintiion, designation, and distribution.

The definition of a PFZ is not just an area without pants.  It is also an area without shoes and definitely without button down shirts.  All shirts, if worn, should be either cotton or linen and be of the T variety.  Wool and polyester are grounds for physical removal.  Socks may be worn for the self consciousness but are not recommended.  Also inhabitants are not limited to underwear.  Shorts, sweatpants and pajamas may be worn provided they possess an elastic waistband.  Sorry Cargo shorts.

Being pants free is about comfort not sex.  We here at SAFE suggest that such an atmosphere can be created if men exclusively wear novelty boxers, while women should wear off season holiday pajama bottoms.  These can be easily purchased in clearance racks at any of the Target or Walmart locations we’ve provided in your packet.

If one is unfamiliar with the rules of a pants free zone and questions your lack of pants, turn it around and scoff at their own prudity, squareness and abundance of pants.  Then proceed to frolic in their downturn.

Designating where your PFZ is an art as old as oriental traditions that it inspired.  A place of pure relaxation is best executed within the home.  Either in the living room, bedroom or a woodpaneled finished basement of some sort.  This place, since devoid of the protection brought by pants, should have ample bean bag chairs and second hand couches.  To lower the threat of heart racing ambition, the room should be equipped with at least one gaming system, a wi-fi connection (especially important when ordering delivery online) and some combination of cable, netflix, or both.  If chips and salsa is not readily available some one should put on pants and provide it.

Finally please remember that in a pants free zone, pants are not the enemy, but society’s requirement that we wear them.  There should be outside of every PFZ, a chair or table top for pants distribution.  Pants may be in need in answering the door to obtain your thai food, going to the mailbox to check for more netflix or when feeding your cats by the window that you have yet to buy curtains for but look upon several backyards including your landlords and her chubby awkward son.  They should be hung or folded with a full compliment of money and creditcards.

We here at SAFE believe a pants free zone should be a glorious enterprise that brings nothing but joy and freedom much like the American eagle.  If that eagle did nothing but sit and watch TV and eat Veggie Puffs.  Pants free.

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