REEEEJECTION: My first rejected New Yorker piece. Enjoy.



Dear Mr. President,

As per request of your office, I have pinpointed several potential postwar areas for national self esteem advancement.  After reviewing all options, it is my personal recommendation and the recommendation of this office that our betterment can not begin until we crush the looming self esteem Juggernaut in Switzerland.

We have let the Swiss reign as the Germanic Mountain Ogres of industry over chocolate, watches and neutrality as almost a favor.  These “accomplishments” have always been no more than shelf fillers for Alpine gift shops.  It is recent successive triumphs in World Record underground engineering that have me concerned. The Large Hadron Collider and the new Gothhard Tunnel that have led to a recent trend in uppity Swiss behavior and conversely a dip in US national pride.

I propose a three step passive aggressive solution to reassert American self esteem over the Swiss.

1. Personal home colliders.  After several rounds of national polling and consultation with scientists we already agree with, we find building a new larger collider would not have the international impact or “buzz” that building millions of smaller personal colliders would. The home collider, which could be small enough to fit in one’s knapsack, would take science’s greatest atom smashing achievements (and of course naming rights) out of the hands of international know-it-alls and give them back to common Americans.  It will do for science what YouTube did for film and reduce any forth coming news from the LHC to impersonal at best.

2. The Bill Richardson Tunnel.  It is a well known fact that New Mexicans have been sorely lacking a starch to replace corn.  This deficiency has caused a drop in average height and reliance on the tortilla.  In collaboration of the Department of Transportation, we will unveil the 930 mile Bill Richardson Tunnel that will cut under the Rockies from Boise to Santa Fe and not only deliver fresh white Idaho potatoes to the Lilliputian masses but have the double side effect of being 25 times longer than the 35.4 mile Gotthard Tunnel but also increase American high fiving ten fold.

3. In the final stroke of genius, the state dept will deliver a clandestine gift of 500 million dollars to the country of Albania for the sole purpose of buying the production, copyright, and remaining stock of the Swiss Army Knife Corporation. They will cut as many corners as possible in producing future knives and make the blades a national shame.  Then when the Swiss are on their knees begging for clemency the Albanian government will rename the knives after their own country and make them good again.

In closing, I believe setting forth these policies will be the firm Chuck Norris drop kick Switzerland needs to keep them off any proverbial high horse and cowering in their provincial Ricola sucking snow banks.

Get it on,

Justin Robert Tierney
Undersecretary of the Department of National Self Esteem.

P.S. Biden and I will be at the Chevy Chase Maggiano’s if you’re down for some stuffed artichokes.


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