Archive for Bill

REEEEJECTION: My first rejected New Yorker piece. Enjoy.

Posted in Essay with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2010 by andjustin4all

 

 

Dear Mr. President,

As per request of your office, I have pinpointed several potential postwar areas for national self esteem advancement.  After reviewing all options, it is my personal recommendation and the recommendation of this office that our betterment can not begin until we crush the looming self esteem Juggernaut in Switzerland.

We have let the Swiss reign as the Germanic Mountain Ogres of industry over chocolate, watches and neutrality as almost a favor.  These “accomplishments” have always been no more than shelf fillers for Alpine gift shops.  It is recent successive triumphs in World Record underground engineering that have me concerned. The Large Hadron Collider and the new Gothhard Tunnel that have led to a recent trend in uppity Swiss behavior and conversely a dip in US national pride.

I propose a three step passive aggressive solution to reassert American self esteem over the Swiss.

1. Personal home colliders.  After several rounds of national polling and consultation with scientists we already agree with, we find building a new larger collider would not have the international impact or “buzz” that building millions of smaller personal colliders would. The home collider, which could be small enough to fit in one’s knapsack, would take science’s greatest atom smashing achievements (and of course naming rights) out of the hands of international know-it-alls and give them back to common Americans.  It will do for science what YouTube did for film and reduce any forth coming news from the LHC to impersonal at best.

2. The Bill Richardson Tunnel.  It is a well known fact that New Mexicans have been sorely lacking a starch to replace corn.  This deficiency has caused a drop in average height and reliance on the tortilla.  In collaboration of the Department of Transportation, we will unveil the 930 mile Bill Richardson Tunnel that will cut under the Rockies from Boise to Santa Fe and not only deliver fresh white Idaho potatoes to the Lilliputian masses but have the double side effect of being 25 times longer than the 35.4 mile Gotthard Tunnel but also increase American high fiving ten fold.

3. In the final stroke of genius, the state dept will deliver a clandestine gift of 500 million dollars to the country of Albania for the sole purpose of buying the production, copyright, and remaining stock of the Swiss Army Knife Corporation. They will cut as many corners as possible in producing future knives and make the blades a national shame.  Then when the Swiss are on their knees begging for clemency the Albanian government will rename the knives after their own country and make them good again.

In closing, I believe setting forth these policies will be the firm Chuck Norris drop kick Switzerland needs to keep them off any proverbial high horse and cowering in their provincial Ricola sucking snow banks.

Get it on,

Justin Robert Tierney
Undersecretary of the Department of National Self Esteem.

P.S. Biden and I will be at the Chevy Chase Maggiano’s if you’re down for some stuffed artichokes.

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Minnesota TV Vacation Highlights!

Posted in Thinkin' with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2009 by andjustin4all

(Twice a year I head up into the Minnesota wilderness to get drunk, eat pig, and most importantly absorb all the basic cable I’ve been missing over the last 6 months. And then tell you what I think. Lucky.)

6/30
AMC Murrayfest. Just watched Stripes, Caddyshack, Ghostbusters I and II and started watching Stripes again. (Everyone knows the first hour is where the genius lies.)

Harold Ramis, comedy God, terrible actor.  TERRIBLE.

ramis02

I forget how many lines I still use from Ghostbusters II despite it’s inferiority.  They must be paying Murray like a Shah to do 3.

Bill Murray would be the only person that I would be nervous to meet in person. (Well Tiny Fey was no picnic, but I pulled it off. Maybe Gervais.)

It really is amazing how Bill was the Will Ferrel of his day. Just showing up to every movie playing Bill Murray and not getting unfunny. Completely different humor.

7/1

ESPN notes. Steve Levy is gettin’ heavy.

How does Ricky Rubio get a Gillette commercial before he can shave?

Oh how the death of Billy Mays will haunt me now.

Taking in the “Pitchmen” marathon on Discovery has just made me lament the loss of the bearded one all that much more knowing that such a great show is now deceased.  How great was the chemistry between An(tin)y Sullivan and Big Bill.  Pitchmen may soon be my show of the trip. (It’s definitely made Parking Wars heights.) I was glued to the behind the scenes making of the direct marketing product world.  Discovery has redeemed itself for what has been a lack luster performance from the infotainment triad (Disc, Hist, NatGeo).

Oooooh Billy.

Oooooh Billy.

I’m now growing a memorial beard for the big fella.

7/2

Daisy is the new Love of Money/Everything I hate about television is suddenly on VH1

Back in my pilot writing days, I came up with an idea that I was going to pitch as “Grosse Pointe Blanke” the TV series.  Something with assassins being quirky and funny and shooting people for good reasons now. Well the only thing worse then finding out that someone has beat me to it, is to find out that its fucking good.  I’ve just watched 5 maybe 6 (time disappears up here) of Burn Notice. And it’s fucking good.

None of these burn notice pics have the Bruce in them.  Which is a mistake.

None of these burn notice pics have the Bruce in them. Which is a mistake.

It sort of like the A-Team without the mohawks and welding. (I know, what’s left?) With Michael Weston, dashing and smart, as Hannibal, the hot chick not wearing much (I keep refering to her as Princess Margaret from Tudors)  doing the Face parts and Bruce Campbell, sweet, sweet Bruce Campbell being both Murdock and Mr. T at the same time.   I literally could have watched about 12 more episodes but I had “Go out to eeeeeeat.” and “Get drunnnnnnnk.”  So at least I have some left to watch on Hulu when I get home.

So he gets his own.

So he gets his own.

7/3

Whale Wars makes me root for the whalers.  Whiny fucking crustached hippies in boats.  Seriously is that kid out of high school?

Best thing on TV today: Sarah Palin’s speech.

There are alot of people up here who look like the owner of the Double Deuce from Roadhouse. Fat, white hair, a lil alcholicy, bad teeth. (His name is Kevin Tighe. (His best friend’s name is Randolph Mantooth. How did that guy not get famous!)  Love ya guy, but you do look a lil alcholicy.)

You can just see him standing behind Dalton handing out the pink slips.

You can just see him standing behind Dalton handing out the pink slips.

The Stevie Zahn/ Marty Lawrence opus National Security is on TBS ALOT.  So it amazes me that everytime I zoom past it, that its always on a part that I’ve never seen.  I’ve done the math and it appears that I average 2.3 seconds per viewing of National Security.  Slowly encroaching the record currently held by City Of Angels.

I just said, “I’m not going anywhere until I see Mayim Bialik’s haircut!” (Which was kinda dissapointing. C’mon Nick Arroyo)

It’s nice of What Not To Wear to bring back whats good about the Celebreality that VH1 has so ceremoniously destroyed.  We want to see Hulk Hogan’s life, not his brat man-daughter.  It doesn’t count when you make the celebrity. (New York, Daisy, half of the people on the Surreal Life now.)

Was there any more perfect person to put in the hands of Stacey and Clinton then our own beloved Blossom.  Who has since become a Jewish Hippie Mom Doctor that looks like she should be teaching philosophy out on a knoll at UMass Amhearst. (It was also nice to see Six all grown up and put together.)  You should take people who fit the show (Ted Nugent people hunting) not just anyone who will except food stamps for work. (Scott Baio)

7/4

Thank you Style Network for bringing back My Super Sweet 16. Muah.

7/5

I understand you can’t play the best of David Lean all the time, but Jumanji followed by Wolf.  AMC shame.

Watched Dave Atell followed by Jim Norton as the apex of Comedy Centrals stand up weekend and lets just say those guys can craft a dick joke.

7/6

MonsterQuest – Giant Squid = garbage

7/7

Important Things with Demitri Martin is exactly like Mind of Mencia without the condescending stereotypes.  Everytime I try not to like ol Demitri he just reels me back in. They canceled Mind of Mencia right?

I should have mentioned earlier, of all the “The Soup” rip off shows, Tosh.0 is defintely the best.  It amazingly has it’s own feel despite being the exact same show but with internet clips.

Finally, i can’t believe i didn’t watch more of Operacion Repo.  It’s Parking Wars but with fist fights.  And how is it that the biggest baddest looking Mo Fo, Matt is always the one getting his ass kicked.  I saw him kicked in the nuts, stomped, hit with beer bottles, and just straight punched and for all his talk never saw him land a punch.  You realize you look like a giant vagina right? Just wondering.

Epilogue

what did we learn: Burn Notice is my new favorite show, Pitchmen makes me miss Billy Mays and Matt from Operation Repo is a pussy.

Thank you cable and thank you Minnesota.

Reviewing my own collection: Holiday Edition SCROOGED

Posted in Review with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2008 by andjustin4all

scrooged

In my family (and by family I mean my wife and I), Christmas is about enduring the 50 below wind chill on the Canadian border and watching Richard Donner’s retelling of “A Christmas Carol” about a mouse stapling television exec Francis X.Cross as he tries to put on his own 40 million dollar live version of the Dickens classic, all while being visited by four abusive ghosts. And besides copious amounts of ham at my in-laws, it’s my favorite part of Xmas.

First of all, it’s the only Christmas movie with Bill Murray. Now this would usually go without saying, but this is smartass, fuck you Bill Murray at his comedy peak. Just look at his resume between Ghostbusters and Groundhog Day and you’ll see one of the greatest comedic hot streaks ever. Any version of a Christmas Carol needs a Scrooge who is an asshole you can root for, which has been Bill Murray all along.

If ninety percent of directing is casting then Donner must have been up for an Oscar that year. The two main ghosts: Christmas Past and Christmas Present are played with a sadist’s delight by former man in drag David Johansson (or as I knew him back then Buster Poindexter) and go-to crazy pixie Carol Kane. Add in Bobcat Goldwaithe showing his range as Bob Cratchett with a shotgun and the asshole that plays Bryce Cummings channeling his best Richard Atherton as Bill Murray’s vegetarian arch nemesis and the you’ve already built a strong foundation to lay the funny on down.

Even the super cute world saver Karen Allen (am I the only one who keeps thinking she’s Margo Kidder?) plays a surprisingly dimensional love of Frank Cross’s life. I’m surprised, after all these years, that I still buy that relationship between the selfless Claire and the ruthless “Lumpy.”carol kane pixie

But great comic acting is not how a great Christmas movie is made. If you look at the greats like A Christmas Story, It’s A Wonderful Life, you need two main components. Rewatchability. You need to be able to see this movie at least once of year for the rest of your life. Then there is the super duper feel so good you could kiss somebody ending.

The Scrooged watchability factor hovers around a 12 and I have been since I saw it in the theater with my Dad when I was 11 and he spent the rest of the day giving me and my brother stomach zerberts. For the eleven year old in me there’s plenty of crotch kicks and waiters on fire to keep me laughing from the gut. Older me keeps noticing the little things year after year. Hey, is that Miles Davis in the street band. Or the “Cross (n): A thing you nail people to” wallpapered behind his little used exercise equipment. Let’s play how many Murray brothers can you find? But what makes something rewatchable are the scenes.

annramseyThe whole movie opens on a series of Christmas special parodies like “The Day the Reindeer Died.” and Cross’s own “Scrooge” promo that features highway killers, drugs and acid rain. Like the Running Man, which came out around the same time, it eerily predicts the shock culture that TV would soon become. The greatest scene has Bill Murray stumbling into Karen Allen’s homeless shelter and, mistaken for a homeless person, sits with Anne Ramsey and her gang of crazies (I wish she were still alive) who then mistakes him for Richard Burton.

Christmas spirit in its purest form is really a minor form of insanity. Or at least Zoloft. Why else would people suddenly hold doors for people they don’t know, give that extra dollar to the homeless person, find joy from giving people thoughtful presents or come one fiery look from my wife from starting a Christmas sing along on a four hour delayed plane last week? What really makes Scrooged so unforgettable is that Christmas spirit is portrayed as the beautiful mental breakdown that it is. alive

When Bill Murray emerges from the elevator ALIVE and kissing Bobcat full on the lips only to hijack his own studio broadcast just to tell everyone about finding their miracle on Christmas Eve, it’s rings so true that you do wish that Jesus’s arbitrary birthday was every week. By the time little Calvin whispers “God bless us everyone,” I’m not sure if Bill Murray was really crying but I know after the 20th viewing I’m still balling and ready to give a homeless man a blanket. Unfortunately for the homeless it was time for bed and I needed it.

Before: A Rereviewed: A+

Put a little love in your heart and let’s petition for a Blu Ray version.

bill

WTF: Pearl Harbor Day Edition

Posted in WTF with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2008 by andjustin4all
Or Zune will do it.

Or Zune will do it.

In honor of Pearl Harbor Day, here are three WTF-Bombs, that fell out of the sky on me in the last 24 hours (not one of them by an Asian person):

1. Obama’s got a Zune. How can the MacDaddiest political figure since Franky Rose was wearing platforms, be all on the John Hodgeman left? (6 words: Bill and Melinda Gates’s good side.)

I also didn't know about being Lynda Carter's lil sis in Wonder Woman.

2. Did anyone know Debra Winger did part of the voice for E.T.? Don’t feel bad. When you IMDB it you have to scroll down to Miscellaneous Crew to find her even mentioned. I know what you’re picturing, E.T. on Cannery Row. (Depression Era good, one more to go.)

I also didn’t know about being Lynda Carter’s lil sis in Wonder Woman.

3. It was a joyless noon yesterday when the news out of Philly told me “The Roots” had reached a deal to become Jimmy Fallon’s house band.

*sigh*

One friend of mine, said “Oh that will make the show cooler.” No it will only make it look like they are cooler. Two more words: Carson Daly. How many of his “cool” house bands have made you stay up past 1:30?

Sold out or soul doubt?

This news only makes the Jimmy Fallon Show more of a reality as well. I just

keep hoping I’ll wake up one day and the POST will read, JIMMMY FALLON SHOW: JUST KIDDING!  Or at least he’ll be kamakazi’d. (WINNER! Tying Jimmy Fallon into Pearl Harbor was tough, but I know a lot of the guys down at the station believed in me.)

Sold out or soul doubt?

The Worst of Bill

Posted in List show with tags , , , , on September 22, 2008 by andjustin4all

In honor of Bill Murray Day, I was thinking about putting out a little list of my personal favorite Bill Murray roles.  But it was pointless.  Big Ern, Frank Cross, Carl Spackler, Phil Conners, Herman Blume, Peter Venkman, it was all too close.  So here’s is the five worst which I’ve seen.  And really there is only five.

5.  Hamlet – Polonius. 

Well this was Ethan Hawke’s version of Hamlet. I never actually saw it but I can’t imagine it was any good. I mean really. With Julia Stiles. C’mon.

4. The Man Who Knew Too Little- Wally Ritchie.

Of all of these on the list, this was the only one where he was actually trying.  It was like he was just going throught the Bob Wiley motions and forgot to be funny. I wept when it was over.

3. Osmosis Jones- Frank Detomello.

Everyone needs money.  I’ve sure at this part of Bill’s career when he’s making his Rushmores and his Lost in Translations the residual check need some blosterin’.  He basically plays a sick man.

2. The Royal Tenenbaums- Raleigh St. Clair.

What a waste.  That’s why I hate this part so much.  I love this movie but I hate this part.  Bill Murray just sits there among a myriad of wonderful drawn out characters and weeps over fucking Gwenyth Paltrow. This part would have been perfect for Robert

1. Garfield- Garfield.  Lets just say Bill owed Lorenzo Music one but not the sequel.

Happy 58th Bill Murray Day!

Posted in birthday with tags , , , on September 21, 2008 by andjustin4all

You know the voice of Garfield.  Duh.

That was mean.  And on his birthday.

An Open Letter to the Producers of Ghostbusters 3.

Posted in Thinkin' with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2008 by andjustin4all

As you may have heard through the blogosphere and BBC, Ghostbusters 3 is greenlit.  It’s being written by a couple of guys from the Office and is probably involving the orginal cast some how.  So seeing as 90% of my life’s cultural references (including about this entire site) can be directly traced to my love of the original GB, I’ve decided to send a memo to the producers.

Dear Columbia Pictures,

C’mon.

Seriously.

Did you guys see Indy 4?  (Wait that made like a zillion dollars.)  Never mind that. Did you see Ghostbusters 2? It sucked balls.  I knew that when I was 12.  Sure, I like making a Viggo reference now and then and telling every baby I meet what a burden they are on their poor mother, but no one is possibly going to sit around for 3rd sequel.  No one wants to see fat Ghostbusters. If the Original cast still in their prime couldn’t do it, neither can you.

So besides not doing it, i would like to offer some other suggestions for going forward.

Overpay Bill Murray.  Really he’s the only one with his fastball.  Sure he’s more Razor’s Edge then Pete Venkman these days, but if you can only get Ackroyd, hit the self destruct button.

Let Jason Reitman direct.  It’s only fair.

Let Diablo Cody do rewrites.  Although I’m positive that shes one and done. I’m already paying to see a GB sequel written by a stripper.

No Ellen Page or Sigourney Weaver.  She already is starting to look more like Zuul in reallife then she ought to.

But bring back William Atherton.  They made that mistake once and look what happened.

Do not get the Apatow people involved.  Just don’t. A) It’s obvious. and B) Even I’m getting a little sick of Seth Rogan right now.  But if you have to may I suggest getting Bill and Neal from Freaks and Geeks instead of the rest of the stable.  I mean Bill would be a perfect Egon sub.  And Neal is so Ackroyd.

That leaves Murray.  I vote for Kristen Wiig.  Sure it’s completely wrong, but she’s the only person that makes me laugh on a consistent basis anymore.

So here it goes. Jason Reitman. Diablo Cody.  Kristen Wiig. Ooo, ooo, and if you wanna play the diversity card get John Cho.  (Harold of Harold and Kumar fame.)  He can be snarky.

That’s all I got.  But I only found out about this about an hour ago, so if I have anything else I’ll send it along.  And help you avoid dogs and cats living together… you know.

Love

Justin