Archive for Obama

Not only is there actually bowling in the Special Olympics…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 21, 2009 by andjustin4all

but Bocce, Netball and something called Floorball. But still I applaud the President for publicly making fun of the handicapped. He’s just saying what we are all thinkin’.

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WTF: Pearl Harbor Day Edition

Posted in WTF with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2008 by andjustin4all
Or Zune will do it.

Or Zune will do it.

In honor of Pearl Harbor Day, here are three WTF-Bombs, that fell out of the sky on me in the last 24 hours (not one of them by an Asian person):

1. Obama’s got a Zune. How can the MacDaddiest political figure since Franky Rose was wearing platforms, be all on the John Hodgeman left? (6 words: Bill and Melinda Gates’s good side.)

I also didn't know about being Lynda Carter's lil sis in Wonder Woman.

2. Did anyone know Debra Winger did part of the voice for E.T.? Don’t feel bad. When you IMDB it you have to scroll down to Miscellaneous Crew to find her even mentioned. I know what you’re picturing, E.T. on Cannery Row. (Depression Era good, one more to go.)

I also didn’t know about being Lynda Carter’s lil sis in Wonder Woman.

3. It was a joyless noon yesterday when the news out of Philly told me “The Roots” had reached a deal to become Jimmy Fallon’s house band.

*sigh*

One friend of mine, said “Oh that will make the show cooler.” No it will only make it look like they are cooler. Two more words: Carson Daly. How many of his “cool” house bands have made you stay up past 1:30?

Sold out or soul doubt?

This news only makes the Jimmy Fallon Show more of a reality as well. I just

keep hoping I’ll wake up one day and the POST will read, JIMMMY FALLON SHOW: JUST KIDDING!  Or at least he’ll be kamakazi’d. (WINNER! Tying Jimmy Fallon into Pearl Harbor was tough, but I know a lot of the guys down at the station believed in me.)

Sold out or soul doubt?

Justin’s Election Day.

Posted in News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2008 by andjustin4all

9:25  I wake up to the sound of high pitched wailing.  Thinking it’s my cat trapped outside, I wake, but turns out its just some little Polish kid being a bitch.

9:35  I was just thinking I wouldn’t be so worried if it was just Michelle Obama vs. Cindy McCain.  Michelle has sexy Claire Huxtable baking cookies look.  Cindy McCain looks like she throws a lot of things in private.  Just think if you were best friends with their kids, would you go over the house if you heard Mrs. McCain was having a bad day.

9:48  Holy Fucksplat! Some CA company has made a flying car!  I think the next President should fund the shit out of that.

9:52  I get to vote about a block from my house.  I do miss voting in a nursing home.  Watching all the oldies curse the liberal hipster whipper snappers from the perch of their walkers.  Of course hipster and whipper snapper is redundant.

9:59 Apparently lines were about 2 to 300 people earlier today. I can just go back to bed if the line is too long and dream about what I’m calling my Obamamerica. (I’m trademarkin’ that shit).

10:04  Justin polling.  Obama 2 McCain 0 and one abstention.  Thats a huge lead.

10:07  Reports from my correspondants in Chicago say that Oprah is holding a copy of her magazine up to people’s throats and threatening terrible paper cuts if they don’t vote.

10:15 http://ausiellofiles.ew.com/2008/11/brooke-smith-le.html

My correspondant in the gay community has revealed to me that Grey’s Anatomy has lost the gay vote.  This is a big blow to Prop 8 in California.  Brooke Smith will once again have to put the lotion in the basket.

Now part of the Hollywood skin suit.

Now part of the Hollywood skin suit.

10:18 Suggestion for Dept of Health guru, The guy who made Twinkies just 100 calories.  It’s a MIRACLE JESUS!

10:25 My correspondants in Massachusetts have revealed to me that apparently Kingpin is on TBS.  I repeat the Big Earn is on TBS.  Stay tuned for more breaking news.

10:26 I already now there’s no way I’m gonna keep this up.

10:32 Maury is getting out the vote today with a very special is she a man or a woman election special. Complete with flag waving audience.  I know Maury sleeps at night now.  Fifth of Jack and 12 Ambien while holding up a sign to Connie’s face saying Man or Woman.

10:48 OMG! I really thought the Puerta Rican chick was a man.  I mean they must find all the biggest hands in NYC or something.

12:00 NY is becoming fascist and paying children to turn in their Halloween candy.  The next President must put a stop to this. Just terrible.

2:20 pm Voted.  On the corner of Polish and Hipster, there were no lines and much to some of my co workers amazement.  No ID check.  So there.

2:50 pm Work called, but how can I go in on a night like tonight.  I need to be hammered.

3:30 pm Now who did I vote for?  Well let me start with this little anecdote from yesterday.  A woman popped into my restaurant to plan a party.  At the end of the conversation she told my boss, with sense of irony, “to remember to call all your friends and tell them to vote white.”

It was just a little bit of a wake up call that this older Jewish woman would express to someone outside her immediate AllTel friend circle that she is a blatent fire breathing racist.This sparked a conversation amongst my cooworker (a gay black man and white woman who once worked for the Working Families Party) about fixed electronic voting machines, (I am all for the NYC hammer and pully action mofo’s myself), the white conspiracy to kill Obama and have Joe Biden as president, even if Obama’s grandmother dying was going to be a good thing. The very safe 7% lead (according to FOX NEWS) was suddenly feeling very small to me.  Like the Dems were gonna need a landslide just to bring in 272.   And of course there was the conversation of losing but winning the popular vote again and how large the race riot was going to be.

So I voted and I would have voted several more times if I could have.  And I voted black.

4:47 Just looked up the results at the CNN election center annnnnnnnnnnnnd nothing. C’mon where is the conjecture.  Where is the courage of exit polling?

9:14 Half a bottle of wine, 3 pork chops, a couple twice baked potatoes, some corn in and Obama’s up early.  And why do the Fox people look all plasticy.  Shepard Smith is gross. Ewww.  Tom Brokaw is gross as well yet very natural.

9:18 Dave Patterson looks like a scolded child in the room with Brian Williams and Rudy.  Wake up Davey! There’s steak in it for ya.

9:20 I find Dodge commercials to very Republican.

9:23 Tim Johnson (not the motocross rider who I went to high school with) has come back from coma and stroke and won again.  Sniff sniff sniff.

And doesnt Tom Brokaw sound more and more like an impression of himself as he gets older.  He’s gone into his Harrison Ford stages of life.  It’s just a tickin time bomb til that earring shows up on his ear.

9:32 My wife is making blind jokes about the NY Governor. And I love her more everyday.

9:34 Jagged Jaw (Brian Williams not the shark) is calling Ohio for Obama.  Sounds copacetic.  Is that how you spell that

9:35 Thad Cochran.  Hee hee.

9:40 Eff off John Sununu and your plane flying ass.

9:44 Why does Tavis Smiley look pissed? Smile bitch.

9:47 John Michael Higgins is everywhere.  I remember when I just used to think of him as the guy who played Dave in the Late Shift movie.

9:50 Just found out Mass decriminalized weed.

so who did you vote for?
let me guess
John kerry
Nick: yep
me: wuss
live a little
Nick: fuck the republican nerd
Sent at 9:47 PM on Tuesday
me: did the Republicans even bother
Nick: yeah
they debated and everything
it was cute
btw, DECRIMINALIZED WEED!
wooooooooooooo!
me: what
dont play
Nick: in mass.
me: no WAY
Nick: yep
me: im moving back tomorrow
Nick: if you get caught with an ounce or less, the cops take it away and you have to pay a fine
me: and then moving back to ny the day after when i realize i hate hippies
Nick: no criminal charges
me: hide ya one hitters
I’d expect UMass Amhearst to riot right now but I imagine they are much too high.

10:00 pm me: I wish Charles rangel wasnt sucha fucktard Sent at 9:56 PM on Tuesday

Nick: don’t we all

me: not Charles Rangel
he enjoys his fucktardedness
and yes thats a word
10:01 I do wish I had CNN
10:04 Brian Williams just said shank.
Btw I decided on Bri Bri over Chuck and Katie cause of his SNL stint.  That’s it.
10:14 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He lost Mississippi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:19 No picture for John Murtha that ugly old fuck.
My cat doesn’t like being called a “turd” it turns out.
I think I might stop soon.
10:34 Wine drunk is the best drunk.  I may just erase this entire entry tomorrow.
10:44 Grant Park guy just said that Obama was gonna hook up with Joe Biden.  Black and gay.  Amazing!
11:09 What just happened?  Oh yeah Obama won.
11:29 I just teared up to John McCain’s concession speech.  Maybe he can become a permanent cast member of SNL.
Sarah Palin is soooo disappointed.  Todd Palin is all BOO-YEAHH.  Just like Stuart Scott tonight. Interesting.
11:34 Can’t they can’t anything better then cell phone camera into Kenya. Eff Christ.
11:37 SMILE TAVIS SMILE!

Late Night Ranting: Virginia

Posted in Late night rant with tags , , , , on October 14, 2008 by andjustin4all

According to Realclearpolitics.com, Obama is leading the state of Virginia by six and half points. Now I’m sure as soon as the Republicans come to their senses and finally run their nuclear option, “You know he’s black, right?”  TV commericials, they will squeek out a win in VA by a three hundred uncounted votes from prematurely closed Mannassas voting center in the “colored” section of town. But if they forget to drink the Barack voter milkshake, if John McCain loses Virginia, which hasn’t voted Dem since Lady Bird Johnson, Johnny Mac should do the correct thing on November forth and as soon as Anderson Cooper confers with the Best Political Team on Television and calls Virginia for the Big O, John McCain should skip the concession call, pack up the Straight Talk Express, strap Sarah Palin’s carcass to the hood, drive up to Obama’s Chicago suaree HQ, dressed in a sequined Sundevils cheerleader outfit and not only throw in the towel but shoot it out a t-shirt gun into the waiting mob of college age Obama Mamas and let them tear each other apart for it.

Then go back to being a grumpy Senator where we like you.

Q&A: Kath and Kim

Posted in Q&A with tags , , , , , , , on October 10, 2008 by andjustin4all

Dear Justin,

So I’m watching Kath and Kim right now and they’re supposed to be mother and daughter.  But in real life, aren’t they both like 35?

Signed

Justin

Justin,

Thanks for bringing this the attention of us all.  I’m kidding. It’s not true.  It’s Thursday night.  Go out and get hammered or something you homo.

To answer your question. Neither are 35. Selma Blair is 36.  Molly Shannon is 44.  So you are wrong.  With new technology an eight year old can definitely have a child.  Though I’m sure the child is more apt to be autistic or dyslexic, which I think works for the dynamic of this show.  So its obvious they already thought of that.  Please stop asking me such stupid questions.  That show sucks and you’re an idiot.  Not that I have actually watched the show but I read the headlines of reviews about the show and the puns do not seem appealing.

Much love,

Justin

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Next Vice President!

Posted in Thinkin' with tags , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2008 by andjustin4all
OBAMA/JACK’S DAD ’08!!!
Look out guy who is gonna run with John McCain, I'm a drunk surgeon and you gots liver spots.

Look out guy who is gonna run with John McCain, I

I’m also accepting OBAMA/DON DRAPER’S BOSS ’08

From the mouths of Albanians (Classic Edition)

Posted in From the Mouths of... with tags , , , , , on July 11, 2008 by andjustin4all

Albanian on Barack Obama:

It’s not what he has to say; it’s the color of his skin.

Albanian on Williamsburg:

Chad: There were lots of hipsters there.

Albo: Alot of what?

Chad: Hipsters. You know tight jeans, big glasses.

Albo: You mean gays?

Chad: No like Brooklyn.

Albo: Oh you mean weirdos.

Albanian on Kanye (standing next to black man)

Albo: I ain’t calling you no gold digga’

But you ain’t dealing with…..

(Looks at his new black colleague)

Albo: Damn. I can’t say nigga anymore.

APPLAUSE